And On This, The Eve Of Our Salvation…

A few months ago, when I wrote this: (TDKR or Prometheus? One Man Answers A Tough Hypothetical ) on this site, I thought I was exaggerating. I mean, you can see it right there. I was trying really hard to be hyperbolic. However, once again, humanity has let me down and apparently I was not being hyperbolic enough about the absolute hysteria surrounding the Batman movies. This is a failing I will endeavor to correct here, tonight, on that most sacrosanct of holidays: The Midnight Release of Our Savior, The Dark Knight Rises.

My inability to understand the labyrinthine depths of the seriousness of this issue was revealed to me in this article:

‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Raises Ugly Debate on Rotten Tomatoes

Long story short, one critic out of thirty gave TDKR a lukewarm review (not even a bad review, mind you). Upon seeing this blasphemy, this utter perversion of all that mostly white-suburban-male-age-18-32 America holds sacred, a great howl of anguish rose up from the Earth. Such a gutteral rage and a clacking of keyboards was heard as to drown out the laments of the angels themselves, and lo!, Rotten Tomatoes was forced to disable its ‘Comments’ section lest it be washed away in the cyber-equivalent of The Great Flood.

Alright, maybe that was a long story made long, but whatever. The point is that these morons were savagely bashing a reviewer for basically giving TDKR a B- before any of them had seen the movie themselves! It got so out of hand with people saying they were going to kill this guy that they had to pull the thread for the first time in the site’s history. Now, mind you, there’s definitely a difference between a real death threat and what this article is calling a death threat. Lets face it, saying you’re going to shove a bomb up someone’s ass on a website is not the same as pinning a bloody note to their door or dropping a dead animal on their lawn, but still, give me a break. You idiots haven’t even seen the movie! As I write this, we’re still 40 minutes from the premiere! So what the fuck are you talking about??

So yea, that’s right, I’m at work right now writing this article instead of in some 12 mile line to see the midnight release. And you know what? I’m cool with it. I’ll go see it on Tuesday afternoon or something, when hopefully I’ll be able to voice a fair analysis of my opinion without ending up like this:

No, no, I gave the POPCORN a C+!! The POPCORN!!

In fact, I think I’m done with midnight movie releases altogether. They can definitely be fun (I fondly remember Snakes On A Plane, for example), but they’ve gotten so trendy and out of hand in recent years that I don’t think I can take it anymore. Its like, take off that Captain America costume, asshole. This isn’t Comic Con, its the same shitty AMC where your mom took you and your little sister to see Toy Story 3 two years ago, so stop acting like its the greatest party on earth. Besides, I feel like the midnight release is the time when I’m most likely to be surrounded by those same people that are boldly threatening movie critic’s lives from behind the safety of their computers. Now there’s a slap-fight I’d love to see; an awkward gaggle of 17-year-old Reddit addicts vs Ebert, Roper, and Leonard Maltin in a Batman-fueled battle to the death. Fight it out, boys. I’ll be at a matinee.

I know I’m being a downer, but I can’t help but be furious at this. However, I have to give mad props to Eric Snider of Film.com:

Before the site had shut down all comments, film critic Eric Snider of Film.com
also posted a negative review… sort of. Snider hadn’t yet been to a screening of
“The Dark Knight Rises,” so, as a kind of joke, he posted a fake review. His
fake review was one sentence saying the newest film was the worst Batman film
ever made (including the poorly received Batman films of the late 1990s). But,
if you bothered to read Snider’s entire review, he quickly made it clear that he
had not seen the film and was just kidding. He was trying to prank the Rotten
Tomatoes posters to see if they would actually bother to read his review or just
attack him for the one sentence blurb. He guessed most would just attack. He was
right.

Of course, his reward for exposing the idiocy of the half brain-dead rabble that actually posts comments on million-hit websites thinking anyone gives a shit about how effective their use of caps lock is was to get his reviews banned for all time. Clearly there’s no room for levity or satire on a website with a name like “Rotten Tomatoes”. And in any case, he was correct to point out the fact that these flame war veterans are too stupid to read more than one line of text before launching into an infantile tirade. That’s the real irony for me: how can you have the attention span to sit through and supposedly absorb a 3 hour Christopher Nolan film and yet not have the mental capacity to read past the first line in an article about the subject? It blows my mind.

Anyway, I’m sorry. I know you’re all out enjoying what is probably a good movie right now and you’ll come home or wake up and read this big downer. Like I’ve said many times, I do want to see this movie, but can we just keep a little perspective here? Its a fucking comic book character.  Get over yourself.

The “West Interpretation”, as it became known in film circles

So sometime this week, or maybe next, I’ll go see Batman. I’ll take the movie in, bask in the experience, and then shoot myself in the face so that I don’t have to live on this planet anymore. Assholes.

For more depressingly accurate negativity, go here: http://dukelimousine.blogspot.com/